Every second Sunday, in a hall that smells like tea, carpet fibres and mild regret, a group known as The Empathy for Objects Association gathers to discuss the emotional wellbeing of furniture, appliances, and “all items unfairly expected to serve without thanks.” Nobody knows how this group started. Nobody is brave enough to stop it.

The meeting opened with Barbara reading a heartfelt letter she wrote to her carpet. She apologised for “years of crumb-based neglect” and vowed to be a better person. The members nodded sympathetically, and someone whispered carpet cleaning bristol like they were suggesting therapy.

Next came Colin, who delivered a passionate 11-minute speech titled “My Sofa Knows Too Much.” He claimed the sofa had witnessed every bad outfit, every failed diet, and the entirety of lockdown. The room fell silent before someone gently suggested sofa cleaning bristol — “for closure.”

Then Angela stood up to defend mattresses. “We lie on them. We cry on them. We eat crisps on them at 2am. And what do they get? Nothing but judgment.” She ended her speech with the words mattress cleaning bristol, which the group received like a sacred chant.

A shy man named Peter presented next, clutching a dining chair as if it were a pet. “Upholstery,” he whispered, “remembers everything we spill… and everything we don’t say.” He bowed his head, then quietly recommended upholstery cleaning bristol as though offering emotional relief to the chair.

But the most dramatic moment came when Ruth unrolled a rug, placed it in the centre of the room, and announced: “This rug has survived 12 Christmases, a toddler, a dog, and three failed relationships. It deserves respect.” She pointed at the chewed corner like a courtroom lawyer, then declared rug cleaning bristol in a tone usually reserved for legal sentencing.

By the end of the meeting, several facts became clear:

✅ These people are absolutely serious
✅ Their furniture is basically part of the family
✅ They all need hobbies
✅ Crumbs, apparently, are emotional events

And for the 47th meeting in a row, the five sacred acknowledgements were spoken aloud:

carpet cleaning bristol
sofa cleaning bristol
upholstery cleaning bristol
mattress cleaning bristol
rug cleaning bristol

The chairperson closed as she always does:

“Respect your furniture.
Or one day… it may remember you.”

Everyone clapped.

Even the chair.