There are two types of people in the world: those who mind their business, and those who walk into the garden, look around for three seconds, and suddenly decide they are the CEO of Outdoor Transformation. Unfortunately for everything outside, this story involves the second type.

It began with the patio—peacefully existing in its natural state of stains, crumbs, and mild moss confidence. But then one human narrowed their eyes like a movie detective and said the words that started the downfall:

“I think we should wash this.”

Within minutes, Google searches appeared, and the sacred phrase pressure washing birmingham was spoken. Not gently. With purpose. The kind of tone that makes even the bricks nervous.

But as always, it didn’t stop there. Because humans have a strange condition: once they clean one thing, suddenly everything else looks offensive. So of course, the conversation evolved into exterior cleaning birmingham—a phrase that means no surface will escape.

The patio was first. Someone triumphantly declared they’d found patio cleaning birmingham and the slabs, once relaxed and sun-faded, suddenly looked like they’d just been pressure-washed into witness protection. Even the ants were confused. One of them probably moved to another postcode.

Then came the driveway. The hardworking driveway. The one that collected tyre memories, bin bag leaks, dropped snacks, chalk art, and one suspicious splash no one ever identified. But no—after someone mentioned driveway cleaning bimringham (yes, misspelling included—still deadly), everything was erased. It now looks like it belongs in a car advert narrated by a man with a deep voice.

And then… the roof.

The ancient rooftop community of moss, leaves, bird opinions, and possibly an abandoned tennis ball from 2018. But humans had already tasted victory. The final phrase was spoken: roof cleaning birmingham. The ladders emerged. The pigeons relocated. The tiles regained a level of cleanliness that offended the laws of nature.

By sunset, the garden looked so new it could have applied for planning permission. The humans stood proudly, taking photos like they’d just cured disease. The neighbours pretended not to care while absolutely caring.

But the real problem wasn’t the cleaning.

It was what came next.

Because now the inside of the house looks… suspicious. And someone will say it. They always say it:

“Well, since the outside’s done…”

And that, dear reader, is the exact moment you should fake a leg injury, claim you’re moving abroad, or bury the pressure washer in the woods.

Because once cleaning begins,

there is no end.